Care and Support

  What is it about the system that is supposed to 

care and support

us, adopters and our children that ends up making things worse?

I know no-one can answer these questions and this may be totally rambling as I have neither time nor energy to create space in my head for this really. 

Biggey was 3 years 5 months old before being removed. They knew the mess going on the family for some time. In fact they knew when Littley was born. Some 22 months earlier, there was a load of emergency situations going on which meant Littley was born, and yet they put Littley right back into the family. Into a family already broken where it was heavily reported that there were huge issues; a family where Biggey was already suffering. What was that about?

What was it that meant they didn’t tell us all this? What was it that meant we only found out 8.5 years later that this was known and documented? How was that helpful to anyone?

Within 6 months of placement, when Littley was launching herself over the bannister, down the stairs, into busy roads, they still didn’t say. When we asked for help they said ask your GP for a referral to Camhs. That’s it. That’s the help.

At one year in they demanded the therapy was stopped because it was more important that Littley went to school. How is that helpful. 

At 18 months in they refused to support the adoption order and demanded a psychologist assessment of us. How did that help?  

At 4 years in when we asked to see the files they said “it will not be sensible”. What were they thinking?

At 6, 7, 8 years in when we asked for adoption support and they gave us leaflets. How is that helpful?

At 8.5 years when Biggey has been back in the care system, they’ve broken her, destroyed her self esteem, almost ruptured the only steady relationship she ever had (with us), and taken 7 months to agree to specialist schooling. How is that helpful?

7 months in 5 FC placements with 2 more schools which the LA had to PAY FOR – out of my council tax!!! Not helpful – a downright cheek (not to mention the cost to her mental health).

The FC rang last week to ask us for help. Biggey was smashing her room up. When I managed to speak to her she’d taken the broken mirror and cut her arms. It didn’t help her. 

Do you know what is helpful? When I called the SW last week and told them I was going to collect her from the FC. That she was staying with me – temporarily – until we find the next new school. The SW said

“Oh thank you so much, that’s really helpful”

Speechless 

So, Biggey has been with us a week. It’s been calm – ish. She has said she now knows that we are the ones who help her. The ones who are always there for her. The ones who really know what she needs. She feels safe with us. 

She gets eczema when she’s stressed. Her arms are red raw, it’s on her eyes, ears and even her scalp. Her head is so sore and itchy she thought she had nits but didn’t dare say. It probably reminded her of early days when (we recently found out) she had lice, scabies and impetigo. That must have been so uncomfortable. In fact uncomfortable is just not a strong enough word. 

She feels rubbish. Like no-one else wanted her or wanted to help her. Not helpful

She says she understands she needs a school that will help her. She wants to come home in the holidays, if we will let her. Now that would be helpful.

Did she (and we) have to go through all this to get the right kind of help and support?  It doesn’t make sense. 

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4 thoughts on “Care and Support

  1. Every time I read your posts I can’t believe what you’ve all been through. It sounds positive that Biggie feels safe with you and wants to be able to come back to you. Hopefully once you’ve found the right school for her, she might finally be able to settle a little and regulate herself enough to be with you guys. I really hope so x

    • Thank you!
      I can’t believe it either at times – then other times life just seem a weird kind of normal! Strange what we can get used to isn’t it! I am hopeful we can continue to make progress. Updates will follow!
      Thanks for taking time to read and comment x

  2. So glad that Biggie is back with you. Can’t find the words to say how that must have been for you and what you have done to be able to make that happen. I am shocked by this bit of your post…
    “Within 6 months of placement, when Littley was launching herself over the bannister, down the stairs, into busy roads, they still didn’t say. When we asked for help they said ask your GP for a referral to Camhs. That’s it. That’s the help. At one year in they demanded the therapy was stopped because it was more important that Littley went to school. How is that helpful. At 18 months in they refused to support the adoption order and demanded a psychologist assessment of us.”… It is identical to our more recent experiences. Each part. I had to keep rereading it. Thankfully, because of people like you sharing your experiences we dug our heels in and insisted the assessment was carried out by adoption specialists. It was terrifying, the more we insisted, the more we were threatened with disruption. I still have nightmares about it. But we got there. And it is helping us persist in finding an attachment aware specialist school. Also, we have befriended the Education Welfare Officer who thinks time off school for therapy is fine, but the threats and shame poured on us whilst we battled for our LO to have therapy at time that suits him are hard to shake off. Thank you for being so amazing, and much love to all of you. I am so glad Biggie has been able to tell you she feels safe with you.

    • Wow! Thank you for reading and sharing your experience too. Whilst our experiences are awful at times its good to know we are not alone. We were also told they would come for our girls!!

      Well done you in being able to continue to fight and finding a school that works for all of you.

      Sending huge supportive hugs xxx

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