It’s been pretty rough in the Safe House. Actually it’s been like this since September if I’m honest. That wonderful school I’ve blogged about this time last year in So Far So Good and Headteacher Calling decided, in their wisdom, to just put Biggey into mainstream school last September, without word or warning to me or her.
It all went off the scale then with lots of unpleasant phone calls and meetings and people thinking she “just needed to make the right choices” and she was displaying “chosen behaviour“. With a meeting where I was advised that she “just needs to follow 3 rules”. I can’t remember those rules now, she was never going to manage them anyway !!!!
I need to talk to you about her behaviour
I then spent ages giving them information about her background, how it affects these type of children, etc etc. They cried. It was all pointless, though because that meeting was followed by almost daily phone calls from a Head of Year saying “I need to talk to you about her behaviour”. I responded with “she has a Statement of Needs for – BEHAVIOUR”. It all got very difficult and tense so I stopped answering my phone to her calls, since they weren’t listening anyway and it was beginning to feel intimidating. The result, was her exclusion!
More difficulties, yet in short, I got her back into the supportive unit in school, had meetings with Head, Deputies, SENCO, etc, etc. A wide variety of people have been involved to be honest, and that’s a problem in itself. The Ed Psych in Feb advised Biggey should have no more changes and some other helpful things. They didn’t get passed on to the people on the ground dealing with her on daily basis (not very helpful at all).
We’ve had her making false allegations that I hit her (cos she didn’t want to come home and face me after a bad day at school). We’ve had CAMHS involved, supposedly helping her with anger (nothing helpful or different to what I had already put in place and so no change in her at all).
Fight, Flight, Freeze
We now have school ringing or texting me every day with updates. She is aggressive, she leaves school site frequently, or sits in classroom and refuses to move so they have to empty other pupils from the room! Can you recognise the Fight, Flight, Freeze responses here? Yes? Sadly, they can’t.
There’s been minuscule progress with school working with me using strategies, tactics and ways of speaking to her to begin to be helpful, but it is not consistent and across the board. So every bit of progress we make, someone comes along and undoes it! She is really struggling in school and, needless to say, takes it out on me at home.
This week, culminating over this weekend, we just haven’t been able to calm her down at all and my goodness she REALLY HATES ME! She has definitely got me, Safe Mum, confused with the Birth Mum.
She wants to leave. Just like many other weekends, bit by bit we cancelled everything that was going to happen this weekend. It wasn’t much, horse riding for her, walk the dog, go out for tea maybe, buy some arsenic (just kidding). We have pretty much barricaded ourselves in the house and dealt, blow by painful blow, with her fight response; all to no avail.
It had escalated to another level
Whilst hubby and I were both trying to do small tasks around the house, him gardening, me cooking and cleaning up in kitchen, she came at me with the floor mop and attacked me with it. It was like gladiator games but it really hurt. This was more than screaming, shouting, hitting, punching and throwing. It had escalated to another level.
So this afternoon, I rang social services. I’ve had enough. If this was my husband who was being so violent and abusive I would have left him by now. If I leave her I will be failing her as a parent. If I let her run away, I still have to get her home and be her responsible parent.
Whilst the man at end of phone asked me what had been happening, I explained we had cancelled everything, all doors locks to prevent her running. He said, “oh, did you have visitors planned or something?”. “NO” I said. “These days they only visitors we have are police and social workers.”
He bloody laughed.
I’d been quite composed til then. I let rip.
“Did he really think that I was just some pathetic parent who’d had a bit of a rough hour here and there? Did he stop to think that here am I, plucking up the courage, on a Sunday afternoon, to ring an Out of Hours provider, to ADMIT that I want and need help? That I really want to tell people that my daughter is out of control, that she frightens me? None of this is funny – not in the slightest.”
I demanded an apology and some reasonable amount of professionalism from him.
We have a social worker coming tomorrow – apparently. We shall see (I bet they don’t respond that quick). I wonder what they will do. I wonder what they will propose. What great ideas they will come up with or advise. Maybe change is coming. Maybe it’s a change she thinks she wants, yet has she any idea at all?
Biggey, still wants to leave ……….. She has packed a bag.